didnt sleep well last night.learning to breathe by switchfoot kept replaying in the depths of my empty motionless head.

earlier on,yesterday, i was busy chasing people for the stuff i need for publishing.its exhausting, hell yes, when you chase people for something you need so desperately and all they can say is.."i;m out now..i;ll get back to you later.."its even worse when there aint no one to put themselves in my shoes.i dont even know where i can exactly turn to when i need help in certain decisions.well..i go with the gut feeling.its kinda contradicting too..i was thinking..why wont anyone stop by, look at me and ask.."how's your publishing commitee coming along?do you need help.i;ll willingly help"--and meant the words.but on the other hand, i;m worried that i;m not up to the dates allocated for deadlines and all..man..it sucks.it really sucks.i take this as a challenge here.its been a long time since i took up the role of a leader.i used to do that in sec school.i see the problem.work out the solutions.make each of them research on certain areas and later piece everything up.well, those days were easier i suppose..the people who "worked" for me were my good frens then.i know what they can achieve and what not they cannot do.so it was easy when it comes to the assigning of jobs.besides, they know what i want and certainly take the initiative to see problems coming from other areas--hence, it lightened my burden in certain aspects.but now..oh well.i aint grumbling or what-so-ever.i;m trying my best this time round.managing my research for major + getting prepared for my consumer lifestyle research lesson with george + the publishing stuff.

and now, here i am, in front of the com for a near 2 hours.trying hard to research on stuff for my major but it seems like i'm heading nowhere, afterall.and i just turned down andrew's offer to a movie.oh well..i feel so painful now.just turning down a show.i really wished i could go out and catch a movie. have a break.but..oh well..the evil chantings of temptation is clouding my mind..my oh my!!

am i just too paranoid?too strict on myself?maybe i should be a lil easy on myself and try again later on, minus the thought of going out.what say me?well..ade says ok.i suppose its fine then.

the hurdle ahead is really high and i dont think i will be able to lift-off and jump over it successfully.i;ll hit against it and hurt myself.but i know, getting hurt and crying over it isnt everything.being able to stand up firmly from it and looking forward to the next jump is all that matters..i will strive--failing was never an option..

ade:s @ Monday, November 14, 2005