*this has never been personal.its too obvious for all to see.theres nothing to be proud or ashamed about.this is something that has been constantly burning an un-healed wound inside of me.


i feel disturbed.very much disturbed.how would someone feel or react when his/her beloved granny has fallen and hospitalised and now moving around with a dislocated arm and urinal bag that she might possibly need to carry it for the rest of her life?happy?pleased?afterall she was someone you knew.w/o her there would not be ur father and obviously you will never exist on the face of this world.shes my granny.how would i feel?its obvious isnt it?worried?panicky.stunned?and really desperate to know how shes feelin and stuff.but it just kills me and makes my blood boil when im totally not aware of this incident til shes back at home.so how den was i suppose to react?i sound like some unfilial grandkid but for sure i am not.i really care for her even though she obviously shows that i;ll not make any difference.she has that priority to yell at me.has that enough status to slap me and abuse me.and i;ll very much willingly endure it.but no, she chose to treat me invisible.a total stranger.somehow shes my granny and she watched me grow and i watched her age...how could i not feel a thing for her?i aint no heartless piece of crap shit.im only human and i hope to help her but she doesnt need me at all.she doesnt.she really doesnt.and i aint got any farkin idea how to make her rely on me.she just doesnt want to need me.she doesnt care.and it hurts...


i just want everything to stop at this very minute.im done with all that stupid alliances.it doesnt sound cool.its childish.plain childish.and i cant believe 40+ year olds still have that cheek to argue and quarrel over small and stupid issues.im sick and tired of it.i truly am.im always left in a difficult spot.more like OUR generation is always kept in the toughest spot.will you parents stop fussing over stupid stuff and grow up?im irritated.yes i am.im irritated with all that small fights you people land yourselves into.afterall we are a family.afterall my cousins are not meant to be "hi/bye" strangers.we are a complete 28-membered family not a shattered bunch of alliances.we are definitely not filming "SUVIVORS".we are one big family.and i hope that time will heal all these piling misunderstandings.give me back my cousins.give me back my happy chistmases and new year sessions.just give me back my "seasonal-mood" smiles.i promise i;ll be grateful.i promise i;ll love them even more.i have and always will...

ade:s @ Wednesday, May 25, 2005