and all i ask is for me to die.sometimes i wished i was gone, gone forever.away from this harsh reality.away from anything and everything.to keep all my emotions in a jar, put them aside.no fears, no stress, no smiles, no laughter.nothin.i wish i would just die.dont even wanna care how i'd die.a collapse, a hit and run, an accident, a punch, a kick, a fall, a shock...i dun care..just let me go.let me go.let me off.let me down..i dun wanna feel life.

i hate all those painful rituals i put myself into--lie to myself, torture myself;i dun wanna shed a tear when i'm bathing, i dun wanna shout and scream with my head faced down on my pillow.i just wan my life back.i wan my smiles back.i wan my joys back.i want my life as it was before.i dun care if my frens betrayed me like before, not even bothered if i was the cream of the crop.i just wanna be me, that me...that mischief i'm always up to.that curiosity that exists so strongly within me.that insanity in my blood.that courage, that zest, that power, that strength...

i'm all ready now..
i know i look dumb now, hoggin in front of the com like some sleepy bitch.i need sleep, yes benny, i need sleep.i noe i need them benny but how the fark do u expect me to sleep when stuff are piling up right in-front of me benny?benny...just stop giving me stress.just let me be benny.let me be benny.let me off benny.and dennis, if u accept my lamp i did for creative thinking for this coming lighting project, i'll think it's certainly easy to score cozzz it'll save me all the trouble.and i'll love you dennis, i'll really love you even when u are in shorts.

my neck is all stiff, my shoulders aching, my backbone giving me that usual problem.my heart feels numb.i no longer long for something.i detest everything that come my way.i hate me.i hate my life.dun irritate me.just leave me alone.let me die while doing all these endless work.just let me off.release me.i know i have sinned.

ade:s @ Thursday, March 03, 2005