In yesterday's blog, i was questioning myself whether i really love him ant. For now, i'm lost for words. He told me last night, he's in a dilemma. He still loves Ming. Ming's his ex-girlfren. This is one fact i'd not deny. Recently, he has been thinking of her. So much so, he actually dreamt of her in his dreams. The moment i heard this..i was.. And the worst part was..i had to give him advise on what he should do. Should he tell Ming how he feels b4 da Europe Trip or after. Seriously, i feel like saying..juz forget about her, i like u. But no, i can't make myself do this. Tho love should be selfish, i'm not someone who would go round backstabbing and finding ways to get him to love me instead of Ming.

I think all this while, i'm making a fool out of myself. I know, u guys are now laughing ur ass off when u ppl read this. This goes to show what a fool i have been...wad a mockery..I feel like so lied to..lied by myself. I shouldn't have done so much yet i went to that extend hoping something might happen..But onli to realise i was the dumb one behind all this. Last night, i cried. I cried bitterly in bed. Couldn't sleep well. Large droplets of tears kept rolling down my face. I was devastated. Wad my mum said kept running thru my mind. (YOU KNOW WHERE U STAND, DUN GO BEYOND THAT) U mean she knew it all along that he'd never be mine? U mean she could actually feel it?

Honestly, i'm still confused. I'm still pondering over what Sarah says. (WHY WOULD HE WANT U TO ALL OF A SUDDEN HELP HIM SHIFT HIS FURNITURE WHEN HE HAS SO MANY FRIENDS AND ALSO KNOWING FOR A FACT THAT YOU'LL NOT BE OF MUCH HELP?) I really am not sure. One thing i know..i feel hurt. Damn hurt. So hurt. This is like the 4th time i cried so badly. And the 3rd time i'm crying over a guy. Prob this was all planned by god. This is the retribution of playin wif so many guys' heart while i was in Sec. skool. Prob i have to go thru this heartbroken cycle 10 times to atone for wad i have done. If that was so..den so be it. I guess, i'd be able to stand alone. i dun need a guy to make mi happy. I have myself and i am more than enuff. I'm giving him up for good. Realli..i dun want to be left heartbroken again. Nevertheless, i've decided..on my bdae itself, i'm gonna tell him that all this while i liked him. I feel that there is a need to. I dun care what it'll turn out to be. Whether our frenship will be spoiled or whether we'll get together in a couple of yrs time. For now, i no longer hope for the best to happen to me..Coz whenever i hope for that, it onli leaves mi hurt. Goodbye. Goodbye. No more me calling him in the morning for morning calls. No more calling him to find out where he is. No more me taking the initiative to chat with him in MSN, no more me calling him in the wee hours of the night and chatting with him. All in all, no more listening to his voice the first and last thing of the day. I'll not take the initiative to call him and if he does call me, i dunno wad to do. I realli dun.

The days we shared together..the happy ones that is, are only memories of the past. Something swit and memorable. It fades with time but it'll be cherished. A walk to remember...

ade:s @ Saturday, May 08, 2004